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sticky bottle - the cycling year according to carlton kirby. bloomsbury sport hardback. 248pp illus. £16.99

during britain's period of lockdown, i opted to write a feature on just what a cycling commentator might do when there was little or nothing on which to commentate. of course, in order to do so, i needed to speak to some cycling commentators. i contacted ned boulting, who declined to participate on the basis that he was simply keeping his head down and attempting to get through the pandemic in one piece. it's a sentiment with which i had considerable sympathy, as apocalyptic circumstances such as those we all experienced, affect different people in different ways.

having been friends for over a decade and a half, i spoke to brian smith. brian's originally from paisley and i'm from glasgow, so we almost share a heritage, as well as a name. then i contacted carlton kirby, a man i had never met, nor previously spoken to, who suggested i give him a call and he figured he could spare fifteen or twenty-minutes. almost an hour later, the call ended, with tears in my eyes and a sore jaw from laughing. trying to write down his responses to my queries midst so much humour, happiness and joy was something of a struggle, and i only hope that the subsequent article did justice to our conversation.

and just as i hung up the phone, carlton insisted that, if i had any further questions, just to call back. in short, considering our complete lack of previous history, he was an absolute delight.

he also has an excellent recall of events, dates and times, of which i am jealous to this day, rarely able to recollect what i had for tea last wednesday. that sense of humour and ability to remember the smallest of details fills all 248 pages of sticky bottle, the title of which is gleaned from the habit of cyclists holding on slightly too long to a water bottle handed up from the team car.

and in order to provide some structure to these recollections and anecdotes, the book takes the chronological form of the cycling year, beginning with january's grand prix la marseillaise and ending in december with a consultative visit to zwift headquarters in san francisco. in mitigation, december also features the previously unheard of (by me, i hasten to add) tuvalu coast to coast, an event taking place on funafuti atoll (honestly, i'm not making this up).

"A huge dazzling sapphire lagoon sits in the middle, and there are so many locals with boats that it will take very little to enjoy a trip..."

sticky bottle adheres to a regular format from beginning to end, but the variety of events described in carlton's inimitable way, often with recourse to comments overheard by his partner in crime, sean kelly, along with the widely varying anecdotes, does not, in any way shape or form, result in tedium. in fact, far from it.

"About £140 lighter, I was allowed to leave with my octopus and a police caution." or perhaps "With her back to the door, she bowed towards us and then, in a movement of sheer power and grace, span outside onto the steering deck and, in a turn and a half, released the ashtray."

don't tell me your curiosity isn't piqued?

but carlton is nothing, if not an acknowledged expert on professional cycling, even descibed on the book's front cover as 'Eurosport's legendary cycling commentator'. you might not be a die-hard fan of his commentary style, but his comprehension of the sport is impressive, along with a frequently splendid turn of phrase that aims to puncture any perceived pomposity of delivery.

Back in 1966, the Beatles started recording Sgt. Pepper's. There had never been an album quite like it. Over in Italy the first Tirenno-Adriatico was born. Even now there is no race quite like it."

the majority of books concerning cycle-racing tend to concentrate on either a history of events, discourses on particular races, or tables of results. mr kirby's narrative is of an entirely different order, and so much the better for it. not only do we gain a humourous insight into the travels and travails of a legendary commentator, but a slightly more oblique view of the racing line, augmented at the end of each short chapter, by an explanation of aspects of the cycling lexicon, or a quote from carlton commentary.

"He flies up hills in much the same way that breeze blocks don't."

and one of the book's unintended benefits is that each chapter is sufficiently brief to be read during eurosport's advert breaks. unbridled joy.

sticky bottle by carlton kirby is published on thursday 25 may by bloomsbury sport.

wednesday 24 may 2023