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magic spanner - the world of cycling according to carlton kirby. bloomsbury sport softback 228pp illus. £12.99

magic spanner - carlton kirby

"My gran says nothing cools you like a cup of tea. She was nuts."

commentating.

how hard can it be? essentially, all you have to do is have a list in front of you with each rider's number, team and mini-biography, all of which can be researched prior to the race, then tell folks what's happening. perhaps, rather obviously, if that were all there was to commentating, then presumably a lot more of us would be doing it. eurosport and itv4 would have a queue of applicants leading from outside the door, round the corner and down the street.

if, in error, you believe it's as simple as i've said it isn't, why don't you give it a go from the safety of your own ipad? either clock into the itvhub or eurosport player, find a race with which you have some semblance of familiarity, turn the sound off and knock yourselves out. it is, in fact, a long way from being as simple as you thought it might be. i know, i've tried it.

i recall eurosport commentator/pundit, brian smith's first solo flight in front of the microphone. i couldn't say which year, but brian had been the pundit half of the mccrossan/smith partnership on cycling tv, but for a world championship road race, mr mccrossan had been missing in action, leaving mr smith to an unintended solo appearance. it would be hard to pretend that the opening laps were other than something of a work in progress, but by the time someone had crossed the line in first place, brian was pretty much into his stride. it's worth pointing out that brian smith was twice british road-race champion and arguably more conversant with the ways of professional cycling than most of us.

of course, being good at cycling commentary does not necessarily entail all round appreciation from the listening or watching audience. while i warmed to the meanderings and ramblings of the late david duffield, i have mostly found the current eurosport incumbent, carlton kirby, to be irritating to the point where i frequently turn the sound off. i think it's also worth making it clear that the latter action relates solely to the final 15 kilometres, when the pitch of his voice seems to ascend uncontrollably towards the finish line.

i have a sneaking suspicion that co-commentator on the grand tours, sean kelly, might sympathise just a tad. to quote from his foreword to 'magic spanner',
"As you all know he has a habit of going on a bit during commentary, and not just about the cycling ... wherever he goes there are donkeys missing their hind legs."

however, as carlton mentions almost midway through the book, all is not wall to wall action. the grand tour stages featuring a major show of climbing and those ending in a mountain top finish are as full of anticipation as they are of direct action. cycling's game of chess will offer the expectant commentator an endless series of opportunities to strut his/her stuff without recourse to that library of anecdotes and dining stories. a pan flat, sprinters' stage is a whole 'nuther bucket of magic spanners.

"The break will get caught at around 18km to go and a frantic finale will make the highlights show. So... what to do for the remaining four and a half hours?"

at the risk of creating a similar situation to that which once existed between the outspoken kirby and mark cavendish ("our relationship continued to decline when i criticised his team's sprint leadout train at the Tour of Qatar in 2013."), while i still find carlton's commentary to err somewhat on the irritating side, i do rather enjoy his writing style. magic spanner is quite (carlton kirby) conversational in style, through which the man's enthusiasm for the sport shines with every word. sean kelly avers that kirby treats life as an adventure, which is precisely the backdrop that pervades all 26 chapters.

but, far from being unaware of several amongst his audience that bear less than affection towards his commentary style, carlton kirby seems commendably comfortable in his own skin.

"To my fans: 'Hi gang!'
To those who put up with me: 'Thank you.'
And to those who really don't like me much: 'Sorry.'

notwithstanding the fact that the latter group are highly unlikely to have purchased the book in the first place, it behoves him well to be so self-effacing in print. and that, ladies and gentlemen, is carlton kirby: full of life, apparently full of fun, a mine of irrelevant information and endlessly irritating into the bargain. but no matter your like or dislike of the fellow in the commentary box, i would urge you to get hold of a copy of 'magic spanner'. i'm pretty sure carlton's stories from the world of cycle commentary and associated travel will change your opinion of the man and you'll have a darned enjoyable time as it changes.

you should never judge a book by its cover.

"He flies up hills exactly as bricks don't"

saturday 10 august 2019

twmp ..........................................................................................................................................................................................................